I was talking to my brother earlier today. At one point he stops and says, "How do you always have such a good attitude about everything?!" It brought me up short because I was so surprised.

The easy answer, of course, is that I don't. I deal with depression. There are days when I am incredibly bitter and angry. There are times when I hate the world and want only to take it apart piece by piece. There are moments when I am absolutely certain that I am going to die old and alone and unloved, in total defiance of all evidence to the contrary.

I have gotten very, very good at telling that part of my brain to shut the fuck up. Which doesn't quiet those thoughts; it only reminds me that I don't have to listen to them. I have a choice. We always have a choice.

But my brother isn't entirely wrong. I am a nauseatingly happy person most of the time. "It's a major failing in a Goth, being this cheerful," I told him, laughing.

I guess the real answer is that I don't live in fear. I have already hit rock bottom in my psychological life. For a long time I walked toward Death because I thought I wanted out. When I arrived I looked him in the eye and said, "Nope. You're right. I don't want to be here." And I turned around and walked away again.

I have been walking ever since.

I don't mean to imply that I don't feel pain. I do. I'm just not afraid of it anymore. No matter how much something hurts, I know I've been through worse and survived it. It'd be awfully silly to let something trivial get to me. I do not seek out pain, but I no longer run away from it either. Pain is part of life. You let yourself experience it, you let yourself learn from it, but you never EVER let it define you.

So yes, I have a good attitude about everything, because it's too hard not to when you realize just how amazing your life is.

From: [identity profile] mlerules.livejournal.com


it only reminds me that I don't have to listen to them. I have a choice. We always have a choice.

Pain is part of life. You let yourself experience it, you let yourself learn from it, but you never EVER let it define you.

Thank you for sharing these thoughts and words. Really good brain fodder here, along w/some pure gems of crystallized wisdom that shine true even though I'd not been able 'em articulate myself.

From: [identity profile] inkandalchemy.livejournal.com


*blushes* I am honored you think so, and glad you find truth in my words as well. *hugs*

From: [identity profile] mlerules.livejournal.com


*hugs backatcha*

Really good timing w/this stuff in particular...

From: [identity profile] quietsoul.livejournal.com


You amaze me. I have to tell you that I very much admire your attitude and outlook on life. I strive to be more like that myself. So thank you for sharing so much of yourself, I appreciate it :)

From: [identity profile] epicsaint.livejournal.com


Ditto on what K said. You're an amazing person, and honored to call you my friend.

From: [identity profile] sagey1899.livejournal.com


you always seem to forget that I luff you - heh <3

You may not fill every "goth" role and rule but you make a really good friend so I think it's a really good trade off. At least for those of us that get to be part of that.

I'm glad you're walking. And if you ever think of looking back, call me and we'll find something else for you to look at while you walk ok?

I know we haven't chatted in ages, but I really do consider you one of my good friends and count my self lucky to claim it. :)

From: [identity profile] shivana.livejournal.com


-I do not seek out pain,

*AHEM* there's a line on your right leg I'd like to mention... ;)

You're are an idividual; with a perspective and past..and I love SO much for that.
Smiling Goth owns SO MUCH MORE than alot of other oxymorons in the world.. :)

From: [identity profile] inkandalchemy.livejournal.com


Emotional pain. I don't seek out EMOTIONAL PAIN. *falls over laughing*

Actually, to be totally honest, I don't truly seek physical pain either. I like a little bit as part of sensation play, but pain for pain's sake isn't my thing. And those claws of yours don't hurt - they feel damn good. *grins*

Yay for individuals. :)
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