I was talking to my brother earlier today. At one point he stops and says, "How do you always have such a good attitude about everything?!" It brought me up short because I was so surprised.

The easy answer, of course, is that I don't. I deal with depression. There are days when I am incredibly bitter and angry. There are times when I hate the world and want only to take it apart piece by piece. There are moments when I am absolutely certain that I am going to die old and alone and unloved, in total defiance of all evidence to the contrary.

I have gotten very, very good at telling that part of my brain to shut the fuck up. Which doesn't quiet those thoughts; it only reminds me that I don't have to listen to them. I have a choice. We always have a choice.

But my brother isn't entirely wrong. I am a nauseatingly happy person most of the time. "It's a major failing in a Goth, being this cheerful," I told him, laughing.

I guess the real answer is that I don't live in fear. I have already hit rock bottom in my psychological life. For a long time I walked toward Death because I thought I wanted out. When I arrived I looked him in the eye and said, "Nope. You're right. I don't want to be here." And I turned around and walked away again.

I have been walking ever since.

I don't mean to imply that I don't feel pain. I do. I'm just not afraid of it anymore. No matter how much something hurts, I know I've been through worse and survived it. It'd be awfully silly to let something trivial get to me. I do not seek out pain, but I no longer run away from it either. Pain is part of life. You let yourself experience it, you let yourself learn from it, but you never EVER let it define you.

So yes, I have a good attitude about everything, because it's too hard not to when you realize just how amazing your life is.
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